After my initial intense fight response to the global pandemic, I’ve finally taken the time to settle down and acknowledge my feelings about this season: I have a lot of questions that no human can answer and I don’t feel prepared for this. These feelings have been real, overwhelming and difficult to control considering the circumstances. The combination of living on my own and working an essential service in healthcare at this time has left me fearful, anxious, and lonely. But God has been relentless in showing me the truth, that it’s not about what I think I can do or my situation, it’s about what He’s done and is still doing through it all.
When I ask Him, “Why!? Why would you let me be alone right now?” He responded with something He told me at a Heart & Soul last summer: “That’s why I brought you here, so you don’t have to be alone.” He’s prepared me with a community for a time such as this. Though we cannot meet in person, I have already been connected to faith-filled people. I am not alone.
When I ask Him, “Why?! I’m not prepared for this!” He responded by triggering my memory to the past Tuesday nights at Relate, Practicing Presence. I had been resting with the Holy Spirit and waiting on God to speak for a while, showing up as much as I could. One particular Tuesday night He told me that it wasn’t about me, that it is about showing His glory. I am ready.
When I ask Him, “Why!? Why do I have to be a leader? I don’t want to be the one to lead at work!” He responded by showing me that He’s been preparing me as a leader for months, by being a facilitator for Freedom Session. I had been working through the same steps as my group of young women for several months, but I was called to be one of the people to guide them through it with encouragement, prayer, and authenticity. I am a leader.
When I ask Him, “Why!? I’m scared!” He’s responded by reminding me of how I’ve stepped past fear in the last few months: by accepting opportunities to speak in front of others, by asking people to pray over me, by being vulnerable with others. And for all of those things, I was incredibly afraid, but it always worked out in the end. I am brave.
And even still, after He’s answered me, I respond with “But God, ARE YOU SURE?” And like the true God that He is, He has been responding to me with His written truth:
Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?
Mark 8:34-37 MSG
Once again, He’s reminding me about what He’s told me before, that it’s not about me, it’s about Him, and it always has been. If I can take a moment to stop doubting myself and what He’s calling me to do, whether that be to pray for someone, encourage a friend, or be Jesus in my workplace, I can see that He is the one who is leading me through it. Despite fear, He is showing me how to keep going. Despite anxiety, He is showing me how to embrace suffering. Despite loneliness, He is saving me. I may not feel confident in my own choices at every moment, but I can stand firm in knowing that He is in the driver’s seat, I just have to remember that He is there. This is the truth that He’s reminding me of in this season, that I can choose to see Him over everything. He's got me right where He wants me, and He’s prepared me for such a time as this.
Here’s what I’ve learned through it all:
Don’t give up; don’t be impatient;
be entwined as one with the Lord.
Be brave and courageous, and never lose hope.
Yes, keep on waiting—for he will never disappoint you!
Psalm 27:14 TPT
Cher Carrasco
Dream Team
